Push and Pull

It has been two years since I took another road less traveled. A decision made with all the sensibilities I could think of. I tried to ask myself whether it made sense now because by then, it was. It started with a casual dinner which I initially refused but through the prodding of my colleague who was my temporary shelter in Lusaka, I said yes even without knowing whom we were going to dine with. The typical snub in me, when I was introduced to my friend’s friends I just said hello, didn’t even bother to shake hands with them. I had a hard-time choosing the food because that time whatever different from chicken and chips was good enough for me. While having dinner, the discussion started  with my beloved Chipata, then analysis of the situation of Zambia, which really caught my interest so even if I did not know them, I got so much engaged in the conversation. This he told me later, impressed him. Afterwards, there was exchange of phone numbers and e-mail address which to my surprise I easily gave out. The first meeting ended.

The following night, I got invite for another dinner so that my desire to have Chinese food would be satisfied but we ended up in a Korean resto which was not bad at all. I was off to be back to my province the next day but decided to move it for another day. The evening that followed, I got invite again but this time, I refused. He made an excuse; he went to my friend’s house. It was just a casual evening of chatting, comparing music in our iPod. When he reached home, I got a call which I willingly acknowledged. Then early morning the next day which was my schedule to travel back to my province, I received again a call with the usual Filipino goodbye lines in our conversation. During the 6-hour trip, I cannot remember how many calls I got until I reached my beloved province.  

That evening, I received countless calls again. I willingly spent time talking on phone and even endured the tiny screen of my nokia for mobile chatting using e-buddy. This has become a routine every evening which really surprised me because I look forward to those calls and chats. This blossomed into something more than just casual conversations. I was hooked!

He is a guy who has the characteristics of a Filipino whom you would fall in love with. He is caring, loving, thoughtful and plus, plus other things. There was too much passion at the beginning, no missed calls, no unanswered sms, no sleep without talking on phone. Slowly, I discovered what irritates him and what triggers his anger. He has some attitude I could not stand. Fights started, missed calls, unanswered sms and calls became lesser and shorter. We discussed this and things were settled as always. I was always pulled back. 

I went to Viet Nam, the relationship continued and the same passion was there during the first few months, then slowly it lessened to a large extent. There were so many broken promises, or plans which did not materialize. My life became miserable, my health, my work was affected. I was crying almost every night. There was even a time when I was almost hit by a motorbike because I was crossing the street absent-mindedly. Slowly, I came to my senses. I gave up. I gave up after learning my lessons the hard way. I slowly moved on. I managed to push for a short time. 

Victoria Falls

Then January this year, the day before I was to go back to Viet Nam from my holidays, he called up and wanted to meet up. I agreed. I thought I was meeting him to close whatever needs to be closed but then we decided to continue it. Again, I was pulled back. But the situation was the same until I got this post here. I promised myself to start a new life, new environment and new work. But then, it never happened. Yes, it was a new work, a new living environment but the way I am living my life is the same. We are still together. Despite all the pains, hurt, disappointment and frustrations, I am always pulled back no matter how hard I push. Two years since, there is no doubt that he loves me and so do I but I am asking myself, is he worth the pain I’ve gone through?  Seriously, does he really deserve me?