Today is the lowest point in my two-month stay in Zambia. I just felt that things were out of my hand, I felt bad that I cannot do simple things and manage simple tasks. My planned trip to one of the places in Eastern province was cancelled, I was not able to join my friends to another district, I missed my boyfriend on line, I was disappointed with my cleaner…I was helpless and I felt invalid. I have not yet fully recovered over the death of my closest cousin, a stepsister in the ICU…emotions have been piling up. Then, the burst of emotions got out of hand. I forgot that I am in Zambia, that the Aydel who is used to getting what she wants, the Aydel who was surrounded by people to do things for her, the Aydel who can always turn to friends and family to talk to, the Aydel who used to live in the Philippines….has to adjust to a new life, thousands of miles away from home.
From office, I went home with a heavy heart, I cried in front of Father Richard when I can no longer control my emotions. Father Richard is a very gentle person but when he told me that he failed to understand my emotions, the shallow tears just fall down from my eyes. In my short stay in Zambia, he has made my life easy. He is approachable and accommodating and I remember one guy who told me that if you don’t get along with him, there’s something wrong with your personality because he is a person whom you would easily get along with. So his failure to understand my reactions affected me so much.
Reflecting upon my behavior and reaction, I realized that in my 30 plus years in this world, it was the first time that I felt and behaved that way. But I guess with my decision to come to Zambia, I have to take things with maturity, though I am also a human being with heart and mind that sometimes, emotions dominate the rationale thinking. Life away from home is hard, much as I want to talk to family and friends back home, it’s not possible because it’s very expensive and it’s always a struggle to get connected. I have to be satisfied with the maximum of 10 minutes talking to them on phone every week.
Life has never made me strong, I cannot understand but it’s making me weak. I don’t know if the decisions I make leads me towards the life I want. I have made great sacrifices to come to this place with one major motivation, so I always ask myself, is it worth it? It seems to me that I didn’t make the right decisions but I hope as the months pass by, life in Zambia would prove me wrong. I need to strengthen my faith and keep praying that things would turn out the way I wanted them to be.
1 comment:
Or maybe because it's the road less travelled that you chose to take?...
Post a Comment