Few Days Before Christmas Away from Home

Two days from now is Christmas Day and one night away is Christmas Eve. The occasion is eating me and my emotions, and as if not contented with my poignant feeling while writing this, I let Christmas songs play on my laptop. Being away from home at this time of the year I guess is the most difficult moment in my volunteer life. Today, I would have been busy preparing menu for the Christmas Eve, arranging wrapped gifts for distribution on Christmas Day, ensuring that house is ready to receive guests. I am trying to be happy and ignore feeling homesick but I can’t help it. I went to Shoprite to shop for food on Christmas Eve, and was excited unpacking the grocery bags. I rested for a while and decided to cook real food for dinner. I was happy with the food I prepared but again, while having dinner I was humming a Christmas song and when I realized what I was doing, I paused, cupped my head with my hands and tried to control my tears from falling. I felt alone again, I was thinking how I would cope with my feelings, it’s difficult, and really challenging. I miss mama, I miss my cousins, I miss my friends, I miss home, I miss my place, I miss everything. There’s no one near me to share with how I am feeling, long distance calls is expensive, besides, the more I will miss home if I talk to anyone from the Philippines. So I just succumbed to my feelings with a prayer that I’ll be strong enough to surpass this volunteer’s life complexity, convincing myself that everything’s going to be alright and Christmas day will pass by just like any ordinary day.

Strange Concepts....Sense of Urgency and Priority

Assisting my NGO in proposal writing as agreed upon during my induction at the office is most welcome as long as it will not affect my major tasks and responsibilities as Monitoring and Evaluation Advisor. Three weeks have passed and I have reviewed already the guidelines and even tried to browse on-line since applications will be submitted through the net. I have given my opinion regarding its preparation, primarily saying that I can write proposal on my own but my job is not supposed to be this way but rather through sharing skills; besides, a proposal should be based on the context of Zambia and therefore, the locals have more knowledge on how to go about it. I also said that several heads are better than one, so it is important that people sit together and discuss how to proceed with it.

My idea regarding the preparation was accepted and so, schedules were set on its preparation. Saturday and Sunday were both cancelled due to power service interruptions so it was reset to Monday, but then other things came up so the people in-charge to discuss the proposal became busy, whatever it was I would say, was not in the priority list of the tasks at hand. The day ended doing nothing about it. Tuesday came; the people in charge to help in proposal preparation were busy as usual with things which are not priority. What I find really difficult to understand is for people to determine which tasks are urgent and which should be the priority. Whenever somebody would come with any agenda, it will be attended to. And then, another visitor would arrive for whatever reason, and then attention will be deviated to that person until time has gone without accomplishing the tasks at hand for the day. It’s frustrating, sickening and tiring and being a volunteer, if you get affected, you will be the loser. Entertaining the feeling of frustration from work mixed with personal emotions would really drive me mad. Therefore, to keep myself composed, I make conscious effort to process within myself such situations. I just hope that in my two -year stay in this organization, I would be able to influence and develop in them the sense of urgency and priority.

My Laptop My Bestfriend

I was not expecting that my laptop is going to be my best friend in Zambia. Fr. Richard told me once, a friend who cannot respond and react. I call it my best friend because I turn to it whenever I feel down and bored, I switch it to watch film, listen to music and most of all, I talk to it through my stories. Blogging is supposed to be stories about the place as the title goes but I guess it can also be true figuratively that I am taking the road less travelled, that includes life which I guess somebody who is not brave enough would take. Power service interruption is normal in Chipata, it is called load shedding but on Saturday—the 20th of December, it took the whole day. I failed to cook breakfast and lunch because load shedding, which I am now used to, usually takes 2 hours. I took some crisps “junk foods”---Filipino English and some biscuits but these foods failed to substitute real food, naturally it did not appease my hunger. Fortunately, Fr. Richard gave me a call and unashamedly told him I was hungry, to the rescue of the Father’s House, I took lunch there. I am now getting used to nshima, pumpkin leaves and beef/chicken cooked in tomatoes which until now I could not copy despite the efforts because I really liked the way it is cooked. I stayed for a while after eating hoping that the power will be back but it came at six o’clock in the evening. But I left an hour after eating because it seemed hopeless waiting. I finished a book while taking naps in-between. The day ended like this.

The next day, I was well-prepared. I went for prayers and took some food with me with a plan that I would stay at the office the whole day, surfing the net and sending out Christmas greetings--- By the way, Caritas Office is just across the Mchini Parish---unfortunately, after the mass, power went off. I waited for 2 hours but again I was disappointed. Power was back at 4 o’clock in the afternoon. Again, I was reading a book wherein I fall asleep which lasted for 3 hours, something I don’t normally do in the Philippines. I have to force myself out of the bed because I don’t want to sleep longer; getting out of bed, I found the power was back. So hurriedly, I put the rice cooker and just when I was about to wash the rice, I found out that there’s no water in the tap. I haven’t had a lunch, could not have it from the Father’s House because it’s too much to eat from there every day. I have to share the costs then, though the priests are very welcoming. I waited for the water but I failed, after two hours of waiting I decided to just use the water from my water filter. As I am writing this, I am cooking the rice.

Coping up when you are away from home is difficult, I tell you. However, as I always say, I have made this decision. So, I have to exert efforts and try harder to make this work. I was supposed to join other volunteers to Malawi but due to visa matters, I failed; although, I am still hoping to follow after Christmas. The rest of my volunteer friends don’t have to bother themselves with visa to Malawi because their countries are members or I would rather say, initiated the Commonwealth countries. I asked myself should I feel bad that Philippines is not a member on situations like this? Or I should be happy it is not. Well, certainly I feel proud to be a Filipino and happy of the latter.

Christmas---reality bites. It’s only four days away. I don’t want to feel it, away from home. Alone in this part of the world, it’s too much to think about. I am trying to control my emotions, not to let the situation affect me but I guess I have to face it whether I like it or not, however, it depends so much on me how I will do it. Sometimes, I feel that life is not fair, I have come this far for a reason, but I could say it has failed me in this respect. As a consolation, two Filipinos will be joining me. So we would be celebrating the noche buena together, and perhaps make each other happy and enjoy Christmas in Zambia.

People Come and Go...and my sad experience with a cab

Goodbye is not easy but it is a reality that everyone must face whether or not a person likes it. Two months ago, I arrived in Chipata with two other volunteers from the UK but I travelled from Lusaka with a colleague who would also be working with the diocese of Chipata for two months. Being both from the diocese binds us together and with another volunteer we became friends, we hang-out and would always make sure that we don’t miss each other on any occasion, especially the simple pleasures in Chipata. We have explored different places where we can have mosi ( a local beer) which really kept us something to do aside from the fact that it was also our bonding moments together. Two months have passed; it’s time to leave and fly back home. And one of the usual things to do is have a leaving party. It’s exciting to prepare parties although it was sad to know that this is particularly a goodbye party.

The party took place in one of the volunteer’s house. Preparations as well took there. Since my place is around 2 kilometers from the party place, I decided to take a taxi so as not to bother other volunteers to pick me from home. Bravely, around 12 noon, I went by the roadside and waited for a cab. In Zambia, getting a cab is a matter of guessing because you wouldn’t know which car is a taxi and which one is not because they are painted in different colors. The law says taxi should be painted blue but, according to people, because this is the color of the ruling party of the government, the opposition was saying that it’s part of the political campaign so naturally people were not happy about it; in short, some taxis were not painted in blue.

As I have said, getting a taxi is a game of chance, I stood by the road waiting for any vehicle to stop and ask if I wanted a ride. After fifteen minutes or less, a taxi coming from the opposite direction stopped by asking if I wanted a ride. I said yes and gave direction to my destination. I hopped in. Zambians are friendly; yes it’s true, until that day. Upon settling in the passengers’ seat, the taxi driver greeted me with how are you, so I said I am fine, thank you but it’s just so hot outside because it took me a while to get a taxi. Sincerely, this was the only thing I said. For no apparent reason at all, the taxi driver was so angry and looked back at me, told me in a loud voice to get out of the car. To be exact “in Jesus’ name, get out of my car!”, trying to be brave, I told the taxi driver, I can’t understand you, did I say anything wrong, did I do something bad?. Insistently, the taxi driver repeated in a very loud voice that I get out of the car. Scared to death, I came out of the car. I came out of the car feeling scared, lost and alone. As if not happy with what he did to me, the taxi driver called upon a drunk man and said something to him, I assumed nothing good because the same drunk man was instructing the children approaching to walk fast away from me, although it was in their local language, I figured out what he said because walk fast was said in English. Still not satisfied, the taxi driver found a group of women along the road, talked to them, probably about me again. I wanted to cry and scream but I managed to convince myself to be strong. I don’t want to get a taxi anymore but I have to be with my friends because I needed somebody to talk to. After a few minutes, another cab stopped by. I bravely hopped in and tried to be quiet and prayed. As soon as I reached my friend’s house, all 3 of them were looking at me, I was on the verge of crying and shaking. I narrated my experience and I felt somehow good after talking to them but the memory lingered in my mind. They assured me that it has nothing to do with my character and some people are really mean, so charge to experience what happened to me.

The following morning, I was traumatized, I don’t want to go out and for two weeks now, memories keep coming back. I am still scared. I don’t want to go out with a cab. I shared my experience to some of my colleagues. They all said it was an unfortunate experience. However, they related it to Satanism, rumors were spreading in Chipata that Satanists are present. Probably, the taxi driver was a Satanist who has seen me covered with God’s grace and could not stand my presence with him. So, it was his way of chasing me away. Good consolation since 3 of them assured me with the same reasons. Fr. Richard even said I could ask the Bishop when I meet him because he had similar experience in Lusaka. They were concerned about me but it was more difficult to process my experience within myself. This is one thing I have to keep to myself without telling people back home so they would not be worrying but certainly it would be one of the stories I would tell them when I go back to the Philippines.

Safari in Africa

It’s a dream come true for me! I have never thought in my life that I would be able to do real safari in Africa. For someone who spent half of her career in environment development work, such opportunity is rare; therefore a great fulfillment. Less than 3 weeks in placement, I couldn’t resist joining other volunteers to a safari, thinking that it might be difficult to organize it by myself. The destination-- South Luangwa National Park, the second largest national park in Zambia in terms of size but number one in fauna diversity.

For a first-timer like me, I had the impressions that it was a long travel which was more than the 2-hour drive people claim to be. Apart from this, the road was also bumpy which I think made the trip longer. I tried to relax my body to avoid feeling the bumps and was relieved that there was enough room for two people in the car. We stayed at Condote Guest House, which is one of the many ventures of Chipata Diocese. It has rows of self-contained rooms and twin-bed rooms with common toilet and shower. Monkeys were all over the place climbing and hanging on the trees. The guest house was simple but comfortable and one of the cheapest in town because of its location outside the national park. Most of the guest houses are within the national park and normally charge higher.

The first thing done was pay entrance to the park to save time for the early start of the next day’s safari and also book for the night safari. Private vehicles are not allowed inside the park during night time. The next day was really an early start. Luangwa National Park is located in a valley, different from the Philippines because to see animals, you have to trek or climb up mountains, unlike here, animals are roaming around. The vegetation is characterized by medium tall trees (apologies to my terrestrial professors for not able to call them the proper way!), I know that Africa has its own name for its type of forests, but again I cannot remember it. Since October is the hottest month in Zambia, the vegetation of Luangwa National Park was brown with little patches of green. I was excited to hop in the safari car and while on it, my eyes were widely open every time there is sighting of animals. I enjoyed watching the animals wandering around the bush. I wish I have an SLR camera because my digital camera failed to capture the birds and even taking photos of animals from a distance. Rules and regulations on getting off the vehicle are strictly observed. Some of the animals I have seen, as far as I can identify and name included elephants, which has a big population, monkeys, baboons, hippopotamus, rhinoceros, deer, wild buffalos, again a big population, impalas which were seen everywhere, my favorite giraffes and zebras. Although at the end of the day, I was disappointed for not seeing the king of the jungle. However, it didn’t mean all hopes were gone because the safari operators assured us that we would see them during the night safari.

The night safari was another wonderful experience. For four hours, we were taken around to see animals but primarily the target was lions. The same animals we spotted during the day were seen although better in the sense that we found them in assembly. The birds were busy chirping reminding me of one of our guests in LIKAS who can identify birds by the sound of it. I was amazed with the nice colors of birds and even the colorful butterflies. Almost giving-up for the night, it was on the last hour of the night safari that we spotted lions, also in group, like a family because there were big ones and lioness as called by our safari guide. The King of the Jungle finally showed up and we were happy; however, excitement didn’t end with just the lions because we also spotted leopard and hyenas. My safari buddies and I were all happy as we drove back to the guest house because we have seen the animals that we wanted to see. The only regret I have was, failing to pose with the giraffes and zebras. Well, I still have enough time to go back to the park and the next time, I will try my best to capture moments with some of the animals.

When the wheel of life is down...

Today is the lowest point in my two-month stay in Zambia. I just felt that things were out of my hand, I felt bad that I cannot do simple things and manage simple tasks. My planned trip to one of the places in Eastern province was cancelled, I was not able to join my friends to another district, I missed my boyfriend on line, I was disappointed with my cleaner…I was helpless and I felt invalid. I have not yet fully recovered over the death of my closest cousin, a stepsister in the ICU…emotions have been piling up. Then, the burst of emotions got out of hand. I forgot that I am in Zambia, that the Aydel who is used to getting what she wants, the Aydel who was surrounded by people to do things for her, the Aydel who can always turn to friends and family to talk to, the Aydel who used to live in the Philippines….has to adjust to a new life, thousands of miles away from home.

From office, I went home with a heavy heart, I cried in front of Father Richard when I can no longer control my emotions. Father Richard is a very gentle person but when he told me that he failed to understand my emotions, the shallow tears just fall down from my eyes. In my short stay in Zambia, he has made my life easy. He is approachable and accommodating and I remember one guy who told me that if you don’t get along with him, there’s something wrong with your personality because he is a person whom you would easily get along with. So his failure to understand my reactions affected me so much.

Reflecting upon my behavior and reaction, I realized that in my 30 plus years in this world, it was the first time that I felt and behaved that way. But I guess with my decision to come to Zambia, I have to take things with maturity, though I am also a human being with heart and mind that sometimes, emotions dominate the rationale thinking. Life away from home is hard, much as I want to talk to family and friends back home, it’s not possible because it’s very expensive and it’s always a struggle to get connected. I have to be satisfied with the maximum of 10 minutes talking to them on phone every week.

Life has never made me strong, I cannot understand but it’s making me weak. I don’t know if the decisions I make leads me towards the life I want. I have made great sacrifices to come to this place with one major motivation, so I always ask myself, is it worth it? It seems to me that I didn’t make the right decisions but I hope as the months pass by, life in Zambia would prove me wrong. I need to strengthen my faith and keep praying that things would turn out the way I wanted them to be.

Reflection

It was a good point to reflect on what Fr. Richard had said, what motivates you to work in Caritas? and as a reflection, I have to ask myself what was the deciding factor for me for taking this post with Caritas, is it the nature of the organization or the job. Before leaving the Philippines, they were both the motivating factors for choosing Caritas. For some reasons, I have not been active in church although from time to time I would help in some aspects whenever I am needed in my parish. Just before I left the Philippines, I was rushing a task assigned to me since I have been doing it for the church many years back and to take advantage of it, I have to complete the work before flying to Zambia. It was good to hear from the priest the appreciation over the task completed because really I spent many late nights sleep just to complete the work rather than spending it with my family, relatives and friends since I will be out for a period of two years.

Jokingly, I was telling my priest friend that God is putting me on the right direction; maybe I would be going to continue my duties and obligations as a Catholic. Several times due to some circumstances in my life, I have to question God’s decisions over the things happening in my life. At certain point, I have doubted God because despite all the efforts exerted to faithfully perform my duties and obligations as a Catholic, things never happen the way I have prayed and wanted. Although, there are always awakening points that would remind me how God loves me and true enough, I just have to look at the brighter side of things.

My being in Caritas strengthened my faith. God led me to this organization because I have a mission in this organization and in Zambia. It is good to be in a place I called “I belong” as a Catholic; there is no reason for me to skip the Holy Eucharist every Sunday and perform my other duties as a Catholic. The short interaction I have with the Fathers in Chipata, made me realize many things. There may be differences from the Fathers back home but I surely admire the simple lifestyle of the Parish, their commitment and zeal of faith. These things I have shared with my friends with a prayer that I hope my first impression lasts. My mission in Caritas is to serve the people of Zambia in my own little way through sharing my skills in order to change lives. Leaving behind my family, relatives and friends and the comforts of home are great sacrifices I took. Being in Caritas is a mutual benefit, I share my knowledge and skills in development work and in return, I learn from the people and culture, and it strengthens my faith.